An Open Letter To An Old Friend of Mine

I used to know the sound of your laugh and the smell of your fart. We used to chat every night and laugh our asses off over random funny videos and or ugly photos of our common friends that we share to each other. We used to watch movies together. We used to pig out together.

You were the only guy I ever felt comfortable with. I could be myself when I’m around you and you understood the flawed side of me. You didn’t care if I fart or burp or do whatever weird stuff I do. You laugh it off and you still accepted me despite all that. Sorry, I meant you “used to”.

I used to ask so many questions like how and why it happened. Honestly, I used to be so mad at you. I can’t believe that of all people, you will be the one to have the nerve to ditch me off your life. I kept thinking if it was because of something that I had said or done? If I unknowingly hurt your feelings? I wanted to bombard you with thousands of questions but I realized, it’s not gonna make any more sense because you have already decided to walk out of my life.

I used to miss everything about you but I don’t know you anymore. You’re a complete stranger to me now. I still wish you the best, though. I just don’t think we could ever pick up where we left off.

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“Mga mapagkunware sa bilog daw na mundo”

Pinaka-paborito kong parte ng araw ay kapag kumakagat na ang kadiliman at halos nabibingi na ako sa katahimikan ng kapaligiran. Pakiramdam ko mag-isa lang ako sa mundo na kahit anong gawin ko, ayos lang kasi walang tatawa, walang magdidikta kung mali o tama, walang mangingialam at higit sa lahat, walang manghuhusga. Kapag sumasapit ang gano’ng oras, parang gusto kong ihinto ‘yung orasan. Ayoko ng matapos ‘yung mga sandaling ‘yon na pakiramdam ko, akin ‘yung mundo. Na walang makakapigil sa kahit anong nais kong gawin. Kahit sumigaw ako ng sobrang lakas, wala akong maiistorbo. Walang magagalit sa’kin. Kahit tumawa ako mag-isa, walang mag-iisip na nababaliw na ako. Kapag umiyak ako ng halos wala ng tigil, walang mag-iisip na mapaghanap ako ng atensyon at simpatya. Na kahit sumbatan ko pa lahat ng taong nakapanakit sa akin, walang mag-iisip na masama akong tao at walang magsasalita sa likuran ko at magbabato ng masasakit na paratang animo eh perpekto ang buong pagkatao.

Ang sarap sarap siguro mamuhay mag-isa. Sa mundong walang nakatingin sa’yo. Walang nagmamatyag sa bawat paghakbang ng mga paa mo. Ngunit sa muling pagsikat ng bukang-liwayway na hindi ko kailanman mapipigilan, ramdam ko nanaman ‘yung kaba sa dibdib ko na may isang buong araw akong kailangang haraping muli. Parang isang malaking pagsubok sa pagkatao ko ang gumising sa umaga at lumabas at makihalubilo sa mga tao. Sa tuwing maglalakad ako sa daan, hindi ko maiwasang pansinin ang bawat tao. Kung paano pinagtatawanan ang isang taong nadapa. Kung paano tignan at pag-isipan ng masama ang taong may buhay na maginhawa. Kung paano pandirihan ang mga taong marungis. Hindi ko maiwasang magalit. Mainis. Wala akong ibang alam kundi ‘yun ay ayaw ko sa lugar na ito. Kahit maluwang ang daan, pakiramdam ko maraming taong nagsisiksikan sa paligid ko. Pakiramdam ko ay napakaliit ng mundong ginagalawan ko.

Ang tingin ko sa mundong ito ay parang teatro, bawat paggalaw ng labi at pagkumpas ng kamay mo ay bantay-sarado. Madaya ang mundong kinatatapakan ko. Kapag hindi ka marikit sa kanilang paningin, hindi ka na katanggap-tanggap pa. Kapag hindi ka nakatataas, wala kang puwang para manirahan dito. Gawin mo man ang bagay na gusto nila, sa huli, ikaw pa rin ang tampulan ng ngitngit. Pinakahihintay ko na lamang ay ‘yung araw na sa pagmulat ng mata ko, hindi na ang mga taong banidoso ang makikita ko. Hindi na ang malupit na mundong ito ang gagalawan ko. Gusto kong gumising isang araw na isang payapang paraiso ang masisilayan ng mga mata ko.

“True friends are never apart. Maybe in distance but never in heart.” 

  
My best friend told me that there are high chances of her leaving the country by the end of this year or early next year. I was trying to hold my tears back but I broke down the moment I got home. I have always known that that day would come but I didn’t expect it to be this sooner. I know that it has always been her dream to work abroad and I am happy that it’s finally coming true. I am excited to see her bloom into the woman she has always wanted to be. She deserves to have all the success she can have in this world.

Although I can’t help but feel sad. She’s always been the first person I run to when things get hard. She’s always the first person I want to speak with when I feel alone. She always makes things easier for me. She makes me laugh. She makes me feel good when I am down. Just the thought of her leaving breaks my heart. I can’t imagine not seeing her for a long time. The fact that I work and she studies and our schedule just doesn’t match most of the times makes it a lot harder for us to see each other, how much more being miles away from her. 

I’ve always known that this is one of the painful things I have to face. I know it will come a time when my friends and I will part ways and we will have our own lives but I didn’t expect it to be this difficult to accept.

My heart tells me that distance will never tear us apart because our hearts will always be connected. No matter what happens, she will always be my best friend.

Maybe

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Maybe you don’t always end up working for the company you’ve imagined working at ever since you were a kid. Maybe the profession you’re passionate about can’t pay your bills. Maybe life doesn’t always go how you’ve wanted it to be. Maybe you have to learn how to love the work you don’t like because it can give you a good life and just find time to do what you “actually” love.

I’ve always dreamt of a job that is related to travelling and photography/filmography with a bit of literature. I know it’s not impossible but it’s just not practical for me. Guess what? I ended up having a job that requires me to stay in one place and face a computer for 9 hours and do it all over again 5 times a week. (I do appreciate my job, don’t get me wrong.)

Life doesn’t always go as planned, believe me. Before you take off from college, you have this feeling that your life will turn out exactly how you’ve pictured it out when you were 16 years old but honey, most of the time, it doesn’t. Everyone had to learn that the hard way.

I know how it feels to do something you don’t want. It’s 10 times harder to get up from bed. I know how heart-breaking it gets to not be able to do what you love because it doesn’t pay enough but it doesn’t mean you can’t to do it without earning, at the same time. You can get a job that can support your needs and allot yourself a specific time, maybe your Saturdays or your PTO, to do what your heart beats for. And learn how to get used to that set-up.

Life is easy. We’re the only ones who complicate it. Life requires a lot of adjustments and acceptance.

Young Dreams

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It has always been my heart’s desire to provide shelter and food to stray animals, elder people and kids who are homeless and vagrant. It breaks my heart when I see old people lying around the streets. They deserve to sleep peacefully and without worries whether it would rain or not. It breaks my heart to see kids asking for money, selling things in the middle of moving cars and risking their lives when they are supposed to be wearing uniform, holding books and attending school. It breaks my heart when I see dogs/cats on the streets searching for food because they deserve to be taken care of.

Ever since I was young, I would always dream of having my own house then having 2 separate houses beside mine. One for my relatives who need help and another one for the elder people, kids and dogs without family.

I hope I could tell them that there is someone who is trying her very best to succeed in life so she can help them have the life they deserve. I know God will help me turn this dream into reality.

When I was younger, I thought it would be easy but clearly, it wasn’t. For now, I could only pray for them. I pray that this country gets to have a leader who has a passion for people and a passion to help. We need a leader who is confidently wise with a heart.

Why It’s Important For Me To Get In Touch With Nature Once in a While? 

The nature reminds me that I am alive. That I don’t just simply exist. That there’s a big world out there that I have yet to see, find, explore, conquer and experience. That I am a person with ambitions. That my dreams should not scare me regardless of how big they seem to be. That I should believe in my own capabilities. That I shall never depend my happiness and my success on other people. That there are many beautiful things awaiting for me. That I don’t need wealth to appreciate life. That finding my purpose is a continuous search as long as I live. That I should not seek for earthly things. That I am more than what people think of me. That I should go after the things that terrify me. That I know myself better than anyone else. That I am not my mistakes. That there are a ton of things to be thankful for, everyday. That there is a living God who loves me so much that He gave this world for me to live in.

Travelling is my own definition of being “young, wild and free”. These are my “you only live once(yolo) moments. I’ve always thought that staying at the same place for the rest of our lives is okay because there will always be familiarity, but no. Just like what they say, “life begins at the end of your comfort zone”. When I first step my feet on the sand, heard the chirping of the birds and the crashing waves of the sea, right then and there, I knew in my heart that I am not meant to stay at one place but rather wander, discover and explore. “Travelling is the only thing we can spend money on that will make us richer”, they say. That’s true. It made me richer in experience. Richer in knowledge. Richer in friends. Richer in memories to share. Richer in stories to tell.

Sometimes, all we have to do is go to a quiet place whenever we feel lost because that’s where we find ourselves.